She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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