I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN