Texts From Last Night

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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.

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  (773): I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs. http://tfl.nu/fbpk
  Replies (17) Good night (873) Bad night (3527)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know

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  (501): She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know http://tfl.nu/vx6i
  Replies (15) Good night (3525) Bad night (720)
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.

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  (985): At least my shower head will respect me in the morning. http://tfl.nu/vri5
  Replies (32) Good night (4928) Bad night (1239)
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  (718): View more from New York

  He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.

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  (718): He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race. http://tfl.nu/hbzv
  Replies (28) Good night (6256) Bad night (1169)
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  (631): View more from New York

  I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.

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  (631): I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary. http://tfl.nu/rbbj
  Replies (19) Good night (4598) Bad night (1192)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.

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  (775): Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now. http://tfl.nu/j6eo
  Replies (11) Good night (4125) Bad night (895)
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  (714): View more from California

  The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.

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  (714): The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit. http://tfl.nu/q5dj
  Replies (16) Good night (1102) Bad night (2811)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami

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  (+44): he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami http://tfl.nu/r6ze
  Replies (22) Good night (1271) Bad night (3984)
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick

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  (204): she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick http://tfl.nu/7rr6
  Replies (5) Good night (1093) Bad night (2256)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.

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  (703): I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM. http://tfl.nu/2ycx
  Replies (4) Good night (1140) Bad night (529)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.

  (1-727): View more from Florida

  His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.

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  (727): A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you. (1-727): His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me. http://tfl.nu/a0hl
  Replies (3) Good night (1507) Bad night (381)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.

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  (732): We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of. http://tfl.nu/cdwl
  Replies (1) Good night (547) Bad night (341)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it

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  (832): I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it http://tfl.nu/3xki
  Replies (3) Good night (469) Bad night (654)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.

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  (727): So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink. http://tfl.nu/ln3w
  Replies (4) Good night (839) Bad night (438)
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.

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  (606): I'm so drunk. Remember me this way. http://tfl.nu/9zb4
  Replies (0) Good night (317) Bad night (196)

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