I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
