The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
