I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
