You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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