no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
