so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
