lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
