You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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