I think scott just propositioned me for sex
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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