its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
