there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
