I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
