The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
