I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize