You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
