Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
