i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I need moral support for this bender
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
