We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We were destined to go to rehab together
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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