2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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