I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
