who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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