Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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