you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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