Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
the condom got lost in my hair
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
