Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
