Your face is a jimmy john
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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