Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
