im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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