Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
