Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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