All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
