so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
