last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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