On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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