i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
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It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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