I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
