just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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