I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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