Kiss
Puke
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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