someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
