I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
