First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
