Please, let me fuck your mom
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
