Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
