The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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