I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
