when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
