We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
two words...techno handjob
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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