and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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