HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
