Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
